No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
