I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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