you guys were way drunker than both of me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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