Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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