yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
