i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
