I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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