this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
