I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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