weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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