Just took my morning after pill in the library
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
