Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
