I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
