actually, I'm a sock model
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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