I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
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He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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