I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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