I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
