After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
