I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
