This is not my ceiling
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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