I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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