I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
