dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I would ride that face into the sunset
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
