I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just had sex on a roof
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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