i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
