saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
