I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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