i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
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i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
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I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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