yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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