I want to have your abortion
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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