I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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