I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wish there were birth control emojis
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Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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