Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
