the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
