I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
