A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
