He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
