i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
