This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
