Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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