Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
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I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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