you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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