I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
