Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
