I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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