I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
