I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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