you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
