If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize