his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
