theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
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Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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