is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
