Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
