Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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