May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
