dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
