Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
