well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
There are leaves in my underwear?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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