it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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