Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
