I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
