A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
