You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
